Note: This was written for a booklet for a Stan Lee tribute dinner, but I think missed the deadline for inclusion. Since it was laying around, I figured I’d post it.
The problem with writing about the magnificent Stan Lee is that there is so little to say about him that hasn’t already been said. And I don’t mean just the truth, that he cast so profound an influence in adventure comics that one can either accept the influence or carefully avoid it; one cannot remain casually uninfluenced. No, I mean also the near-truth, the poorly-remembered version of the truth, and whatever one calls a thing that is somewhat on the same topic as the truth even if it doesn’t share the same facts.
So I’m afraid all that leaves us with is outrageous wild lies. And luckily, I have plenty of those about Stan “Prisoner 731895″ Lee. I don’t think history can do without knowing how he (working under his
real name of Stanley “Yes, I was the kidnapped baby” Lindbergh) developed the first trinary computer, able to use not only 0s and 1s but also 2s, thus being fifty percent more powerful than any other computer. Or how his years spent as an undercover agent in a Middle Eastern harem left him with knowledge of nuclear secrets, sexual techniques, and pie recipes for which the western world is not yet prepared. And while the Marines may have had military offensives in mind when they gave Stan his ultra-secret Level 7 Super-Ninja
training, Mr. Lee has instead focused his efforts on defensive uses, single-handedly fending off the American invasion of the killer African bees, the bird flu, and the little-known Canadian exploding
Stan now spends most of his day hanging around outside the Scientology Center on Hollywood Boulevard, collecting expelled Body Thetans which he somehow transforms into the most amazing earrings. Be sure to buy a couple pair from him the next time you see him. They do make wonderful presents.