Nat solves the aging problem

I’m getting older, and quickly. I feel it every day. And if you’re like most of the people I talk to, you’re feeling it quite strongly. But I’m not going to let this continue. I’ve got a plan, and it’s one you may wish to consider:

I’m going to move to Australia and steal things.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s not some secret advanced chemical formula, mystical potion, or anti-aging totem that I plan to take. Honestly, I don’t think it matters what I steal, as I long as I engage in acts of physical theft, and if I keep it small I reckon I can probably get away with it. And the Australian government seems not only to not want to thwart my criminal plans, but actually to encourage them. Why else would the government have put out a press release announcing “Prison population ageing, but robbery offenders getting younger“? This information is derived from a report bearing the primary title Australian Corrections, and if getting me back to the age I picture myself as being isn’t a correction, I don’t know what is!

So the next time you see me, don’t be surprised if I’ve got more hair, tighter skin, and some Australian stuff I didn’t pay for.

Published in: on July 12, 2009 at 7:28 am  Leave a Comment  

Nat Solves All The World's Problems #Whatever: New World Order

We should rearrange all of the countries in the world to put them in alphabetical order. This will make them easier to find on a map and improve geography grades.

As a side benefit, while Iraq and Iran will still be adjacent and thus subject to their frictions, there will be a buffer state between them and Israel — Ireland!

Published in: on June 3, 2009 at 3:22 pm  Leave a Comment  

It's better than Flies in the WiFies.

My more-than-an-acquantaince-but-I’m-not-sure-if-”pal”-fits, we’ve-certainly-exchanged-a-number-of-messages-and-he’s-gone-out-of-his-way-to-”hi”-me-in-person (of-course-this-was-before-he-was-quite-this-famous, now-everyone-thinks-they-know-him, so-he’s-overwhelmed where-e’er-he-goes), and-he’s-let-me-publish-some-of-his-stuff-on-occasion (and-send-him-checks-regularly) but-it’s-not-like-I’m-gonna-ask-him-to-help-me-move, so-I-don’t-want-this-to-sound-like-I’m-bragging-because-I-know-him Neil Gaiman, notes on his blog:

yesterday afternoon the new posh slick black internet router was discovered when I picked it up to try and work out why the internet was so very, very slow, to contain an ants’ nest,  upsetting a very large number of little black ants in the process, most of whom ran off, carrying their eggs and probably grumbling about me in Ant.

To which I dropped him this line:

Having heard about the ants in your internet router, I must encourage you to improve your internet security. I hear that many apparent computer bugs are actually caused by infections downloaded over the internet, so it seems likely that the ants came bundled in some safe-looking executable or zip file. I’m not sure all of what forms of security are best against ants, although a good firewall would probably work against fire ants, but that would do little to stop the dangerous red ants, army ants, and eleph ants. Perhaps you need to install a RAID array in your computer; I hear that kills bugs dead (which is the best way to do it.)

Just a tip, to anyone who has a similar problem.

Published in: on May 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm  Leave a Comment  

Nat Solves All The World's Major Problems #2: the airline crisis

With prices being driven up (and silly steps like charging for any luggage and ceasing giving out peanuts being used to keep prices down), the airline business is clearly in crisis. They need more passengers taking trips. So here’s what I suppose.

  • Have there be one state, just one state, where out-of-state gay couples can get legally married.
  • Take another state – make it a highly populated one with a strong urban center so that there will be plenty of gay couples – and have them not let gay couples get married, but have the state recognize such gay marriages that take place in any state where such marriage is legal.

To maximize the gain to the airline industry, let’s places these states on opposite sides of the continents. Think of all the flying that will take place for marriages, to attend the wedding ceremony, and so forth. Problem solved.

Next?

Published in: on May 29, 2008 at 8:40 am  Leave a Comment  

Nat solves all the world's major problems – installment 1 of presumably many

Time to solve the fuel problem.

I read an article earlier today that said that we can save gas by slowing down — that over the speed of 60 MPH, every additional 10 MPG deducts 4 from our MPG, and that holds surprisingly true as a constant. So, they would have as go slower to save small amounts of gas.

But – now stay with me here – what if we went the other way. The car I drive gets around 30 miles per gallon at 60 MPH. What if I were to drive it at 140 MPH? I’d be going 80 – that’s 8 tens – MPH over 60, which means I’d drive my MPG down by 8-times-4, which is 32. Subtract that from the 30 MPG that I usually get, that means I’d be getting negative two miles per gallon. Now, negative 2 doesn’t sound like very much, but if I were to drive for an hour at that speed, I’d have gone 140 miles, which means that I would have used negative 70 gallons of gas. That’s right, my car would have generated 70 gallons of gas.

Now doing this would be dangerous, of course. My gas tank won’t hold 70 gallons. It holds about 10, which means that it would fill up in 20 miles, and beyond that I would be spilling gas all over the road. But if I cut down to 130 mph for 20 miles, I’d use up those 10 gallons again. So the practical and safe thing to do is to alternate between going 140 MPH for a fixed distance, and then covering that same distance again at 130.

Really, given the purity of this math, I don’t see how we can not adopt this as a standard policy.

Published in: on March 28, 2008 at 1:37 am  Comments (1)  
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